42 revelations for your consideration.

Have you ever had a knowing wash over you so strongly that no matter how much you tried to shake it off you just couldn’t? Have you ever had an awareness of the next step you have to take and KNOWN the potential consequences and all the areas of your life it can and will effect by taking it? Have you ever had the conviction to take the step anyway?

I’m literally (and metaphorically) standing on the edge of a cliff, knowing that my next step is going to take me right over the edge, and I am TERRIFIED… and I’m going to step anyway.

When I was a kid I LOVED the movie, The Labyrinth…David Bowie as Jareth...Need I say more?(#amiright) I was mesmerized by the scene of Sara at the masquerade. I remember wanting to be at the ball and be somewhere or something or someone else…ANY else. To be ANYTHING other than me. So I donned a disguise of conformity. It's always sat a little crooked, a bit cracked, a tad disheveled and unkempt. And no matter how I've tried to "act" the way others around me would like me to, I've just sucked at it.

Every time I listen to my own still small voice, inner guidance, gut, intuition, higher self, whatever you want to call it... every time I follow it, I end up going on the wildest, scariest, craziest most life giving adventures... and every time I don’t, I regret it... and the biggest culprit for me has always been the fact that I have allowed other people’s opinions to talk me out of following my discernment... I’ve allowed other people to have far too much influence over my beliefs about ME. I've allowed other peoples opinions of "who I SHOULD be" to override who I am. I've allowed other peoples biases and stories and limited perception to dictate my narrative out of fear that I would be ousted from the tribe. I've taken on others fears and insecurities as if my life depended on it... and I've suffered for it time and time again. No more.

When you’ve been wearing a mask your whole life, you don’t realize how magnificent fresh air is…(not an intentional parallel to our most recent realities, but hey, lets go with it!) I tire of this masquerade. And while I know that dropping this facade I've worn, after all these years, may make ME look like a fool (and WILL to some,) I’ll suffer not one more moment of this false face. I'm choosing me. I'm choosing to live my life as if I came here to have my own individual, unique experience in human form, complete with a purpose and a soul calling that I chose before I ever passed through the veil of forgetting... because I did. I choose to step out of the shadows of shame and to shine a light on my experiences in the hopes that it might help free just one person from the chains of hell they find themselves in... to let them see that they are not alone.

So here I sit, contemplating the past 42 years of my human existence, and I've decided that what I want more than anything for my birthday this year, is real, genuine, authentic relationships in my life... for you to know the real me as I am now and me to know the real you... and to let the chips fall where they may. I want to cultivate a community of belonging in this world. To allow others to be who they are, and for them to self select out if who I am doesn't resonate. I deserve to have people in my life that WANT to be in it without strings or conditions or a need to conform or to filter out the parts of me that make others uncomfortable... and for that to happen, I have to step off the edge. So this is my soliloquy... who I am, what matters to me and what I'm doing. If you find that any of these things cause you to not want to know me, that's ok. Honestly. I don't have expectations for you, I'm just done hiding. If I'm too much or not enough for you, I hope you have the decency to just remove yourself from my life and go live yours in peace. I hope you will be kind enough to not trash talk me behind my back. I hope you will remember that my life is mine to live and your life is yours... AND, we are still connected as human beings from the same creator (no matter what name that creator goes by.) I won't think badly of you, as I understand that what I send out into this great big universe is energy that others receive... in much the same way that prayers and well wishes are... so maybe think about the energy you want to add to the whole of humanity... and remember that I never asked you to change who you are.

It's on the outside of our comfort zone where growth happens… and nothing about my life has been comfortable. This is probably the part where I should give you a blanket trigger warning. There are some dark parts of my life that I feel are relevant to understanding who I am becoming (it's a continuous process), and they aren't pretty. While I won't go into detail here, I will touch on what I've lived through. Not everything I'm sharing here is dark. Some of it may seem silly or even funny...strange, odd, crazy could be descriptors for others, and all of them are part of my lived experience that have shaped who I am today.

1. For years, all I ever saw myself as was the problem. I've been flat out told by more people than I can count that my very being is the problem. Even when I was too small to understand what that meant. Most recently, I've been told that I'm the problem because people don't really know me... literally, someone else not taking the time to get to know me, has made me a problem in their eyes. (The problem of what, I don't know, but a problem none the less.) I have had people who were "supposed" to love me unconditionally, throw me under the bus and talk badly about me and the choices I've made (or that my husband and I have made) without ever even knowing me. Without ever asking or spending time, even briefly, talking to me. I find it fascinating how we as humans think we are so capable of passing judgment on others without having any idea what a persons life has actually been like. As if sitting on the fringes of another's existence tells the whole story. At least now you'll have enough small snippets of my life to make a more educated choice on whether I'm worth knowing or not... or if I'm problematic or not and at least this time, I'll know that you heard my story from me. And no matter what you decide, I still choose to think you are worthy of love and belonging.

2. My very first cognitive memory in this life is one of sexual abuse. In fact, my first handful of memories are of sexual abuse. They start when I was 3, and that form of abuse didn't stop until I was well into adulthood. There is also a heavy dose of physical and sexual abuse from a significant other or two and a suicide attempt that was thankfully unsuccessful... there was also a lack of healthy and safe support. My nervous system was basically in a constant state of fight or flight for almost 40 years. I hate sharing that, and I do so because it may help you to understand the context of of what it has been like to have lived a life with no clean memories. Not one. Even the good things I have experienced in my life have been tainted by the intrusive thoughts that have been ever present... just lurking in the shadows and waiting for a moment to sneak up and pounce on me as a nasty little reminder that I've never felt whole. Every experience I have had in my life has been filtered through the lens of trauma... those first experiences have been hardwired into my system. They have lived inside my physical body as trapped trauma for years. I sometimes don't feel like I belong in my body, and I don't belong out of it.

3. Unravelling all of the damage my body has taken, (physically/mentally/emotionally/spiritually) has required me to step away from people, places and things that cause me harm. This unfortunately has included severing ties with my family... including, for a time, my own child. It's important for me that you know that it wasn't my family of origin that sexually abused me, but 2 of my abuser's became family by marriage. It's also important to know that they aren't the ones who have helped me heal. I grew up in disfunction and generational trauma, and anyone who is familiar with that kind of toxicity knows that difficulties are not held well or even spoken of. It becomes a game of keeping secrets and sweeping ugly things under the rug...it's best to just pretend like the bad things never happened. And if you try to speak up, you become the problem. I love my family. I feel sadness and grief and sorrow for the difficulties we have ALL lived through, and I also can no longer pretend like I didn't go through the things I've gone through. I'm also not willing to be a punching bag for people who are unwilling to look at their own shadows. I walked away to take heed of my self. To get to the root of my pain and my reactions. To learn how to manage my own emotions and to unravel unhealthy patterns in my life. I don't choose to hold on to anger and I don't choose to be in environments that do. I have had to learn on my own how to communicate in healthy ways and more than that, how to comprehend what is actually being said, outside of the ingrained beliefs and biases that well all implicitly have been conditioned to hold. The short version is that I can't heal in an environment that kept me sick, whether that was their intention or not. I will not allow that cycle of neglect and abuse and disfunction to continue in my bloodline. It ends with me. I have never felt like I belonged in my family, and yet it's the only one I know... and there's something else about generational trauma that I think is worth knowing... we might end up with a whole lot of bullshit to have to clear out for our ancestors, but when they call you to the work, you get their gifts too. And they are spectacular!

4. I think it's important to understand that while some people are born into this world with their sexuality intact, some of us have had ours altered by our lived experiences. I think it's important to know that one of my first abusers was a woman. And it has left marks on my life. My truth is that I'm bi-sexual, and I don't believe I was born this way... (not because I believe it's bad or wrong, but because there are aspects of this part of me that confirm that it's tied up in the abuse that I have suffered.) AND I believe that people ARE born with all of these feelings...not everyone has suffered abuse. And it doesn't change the fact that this is my experience. My experience. I don't feel like I belong in the LGBTQ+ community because I'm married to a man and live a hetero-norm life, and I don't feel like I belong in the hetero-norm community because I'm not... and it isn't something that is going to change. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not allowed to have an opinion on these subjects because I can't choose a side of the fence. I don't see things as black and white, because I can't... it isn't my reality. I'm grateful every day to be married to someone who accepts and loves me without shaming me or feeling threatened that he isn't enough for me or turning it into something gross and twisted. He is the only person that has ever seen all of my scars, and instead of seeing me as damaged goods, he just loves me for me. He is the light when everything is dark. I wish everyone could be loved and supported the way he loves and supports me.

5. I was born and raised inside the LDS Church. This is another lens that my life has been filtered through. And it's been a double edged sword. On the one hand, I have had spiritual experiences that have kept me moving forward with truths from Christ...things I cannot and will not deny, tangible things, miraculous things, other worldly things that have removed the scales from my eyes and have left me with not a single doubt of who I am, where I came from before this mortal existence, why I am here at this time and what is on the other side of the veil. I'm connected to that side in ways that I still struggle to find adequate words for. It was following the path of Christ and listening to spirit that brought me to this point. AND I have suffered abuse at the hands of "upstanding members of the church." I have had abuse swept under the rug at the hands of "worthy Priesthood leaders." I have felt the weight of shame and blame and outright contempt towards me for things that have been done TO me in a space where I should have felt lifted and loved and worthy... A place where I should feel safe and welcome to come as I am... and as I am has always made others in that space uncomfortable. Being a black sheep is a real bitch. I know, I know...how good can I be with a sailors mouth? Honestly, if it's my use of language Vs the things that have happened to me that determine where I stand with my savior... my money is on this mouth ALL DAMN DAY.

I have unraveled all the untruths about my religion... I'm well aware of the false narratives that live in this space (as they do in all belief systems,) And I haven't walked away from the truths that are there (as there are truths in all places.) Yet I don't feel a sense of belonging in church because I have had different experiences... and I don't feel I belong outside of the church because I believe the Book of Mormon IS Channeled writing from our creator... I believe that Joseph Smith had the experiences that he did. I must, because of my own personal experiences. Channeling is real, take a look at many other sacred texts... and music and books and movies and art and anything else that is good and uplifting and leads to connection and unity and a remembrance that we are all one. AND my perception of what is good and uplifting and unifying really tends to piss people off. I struggle with the conundrum of claiming to worship God according to the dictates of our own conscious and allowing all men the same privilege and then telling them that they are doing it wrong...even within the same religious organization. Line upon line only applies if its the same line as the Priesthood leader that utters it... and if it varies from that, there have been too many willing to point out that I don't "hold the Priesthood" so my view is invalid...(excuse me while I just sit back with my Priestess-hood over here...that no-one had to give me, because it's a process of remembering and reclaiming my birthright, but I digress.)

I was born under the covenant and I come from covenant people...people and a culture that believe in the restoration of the tribes. AND I struggle with the version of restore that means gather into conformity. That isn't what restore means to me. I believe that real restoration is bringing the pieces back together, WITH their gifts and differences and unique expressions of the divine. I am a follower of Christ...and a student of The Buddha and Krishna and Muhammad and Mary and Eve and my Heavenly Mother... and anyone else who seeks the reunification of the self with the divine. Our creators have been trying to tell us the same story over and over and over. In different languages, in different places, in any way that they are able to get the msg through. And I have been asking and seeking and following the spirit as it has woven a tapestry of truth that touches all people. ALL people.

I come from a culture that believes in a living Prophet. A Prophet who has been telling his people for years now that we need to seek to understand how the spirit speaks to us directly. He has been telling his people for years to seek discernment and to act on the prompting we are given. He has openly said that in the days to come, members of the church will have to take extreme measures to follow the spirit... coming forward now at this time in this way is about as extreme as it gets... To openly share what I'm sharing today is NOT something that members do. And yet, I'm following his advise. There will be some that think I'm wrong or bad for sharing what they consider to be sacred personal experiences... and to them I will say this. When the spirit prompts me...I cannot deny it. ESPECIALLY when it is screaming at me to share it. I made an agreement before I ever came to this earth... before I ever had a mortal body of flesh and bone. I made a commitment to be here now, to REMEMBER what I came here to do and after all I have been through in my own personal refiners fire, I have been cracked wide open and the floodgates between heaven and earth have been removed. The spirit, even in scripture was sent to bring about a remembrance of all things...not some things, ALL things. I've been asking to remember my whole life. I haven't just had a piercing of the veil experience, the whole bloody thing has been torn asunder... and I'm not alone. I see you... you who are waking up. You who are being called to step up and share your light, you who came here to do more than just exist and die. And I'm calling you to step up... I'm here. More on that later...

6. I identify as she, me, dude, hey, whatever... AND I TOTALLY understand feeling like a we/they/them. The trauma in my system has (for lack of a better way to put it) fractured my identity. Some days it feels like there are a million different people in my mind. All different aspect of me, different ages, different levels of masculine and feminine, all fighting for their version of thought to be heard and accepted as correct. Let me be clear, there is only ever really one me, but there are many different aspects of who I am...some of them stuck in time because the were formed from abuse, some from indoctrination, some from cultural conditioning, and always in there somewhere, in the higher version of me. The one who sits back and observes the three ring circus going on in my mind. The more work I have done to heal my mind and soul, the more these aspects reintegrate back into the whole of who I am. I believe that as human beings, we all have multiple personalities. They are our parts that keep us safe, that step in to get shit done when the weight of the world is crashing down, the ones that take over and play with our kids when we just can't pull ourselves out of a funk. They are protectors and they are necessary...until they aren't. for example, I don't need that part of me that held everything together at the cost of never asking for help any more...she can set her armor down. I can thank her for protecting me when I didn't know I didn't have to do it alone.

7. I am an intolerant asshole about people who are intolerant of others...and I totally see the irony of that. I'm still a complex work in progress... always.

8. My favorite hobby is lobby... and learning. I love learning, it's my favorite. Learning about things and people and places and mostly myself...and the expansion of my soul... and yours too...we can all become greater than we can even fathom. It's super rad.

9. I'm an empath. I always have been, but up until a few years ago, I didn't really understand what that meant. When I say I feel you, I mean it. I sense and feel the emotional state of others. It's taken me a long time to learn to differentiate between my own emotions and the emotions of those around me. That was all going well until that whole veil being torn thing happened. Being pelted with waves of collective emotions for the whole of humanity is a bit uncomfortable to manage, but I'm getting there. It doesn't overwhelm me nearly as much as it did a year ago.

10. I don't answer text msgs in a timely manner. I'm sorry. Don't stop texting. Sometimes I'm just dealing with more than I feel people can handle and by the time the tide slows its roll, it's been like 6 weeks and then I just feel like I can't bug you. It isn't you...It's all me and I own it.

11. I don't like going out in public in places where the energy is wack. (see #9)I have to set sacred space in my car before I go into places that feel dense and heavy. Yes, I'm serious. If I must be in those places, I will take time to check my own energy and set a magical little happy bubble around me so I don't absorb other peoples emotions AND to make sure I'm not walking in there and being a tool to others inadvertently. The world already has more negativity than it needs. I'll do what I can when I can to minimize it and I'll add positivity whenever possible.

12. I believe energy really is everything... and more and more discoveries (ancient and cutting edge) are being made everyday that back it up.

13. I, believe in aliens. And so do many spiritual AND religious institutions. Many indigenous culture around the world believe that we came from sky Gods... my culture included. I believe we are only part human... the part that exists on the earth. The part of me that existed before and will continue on after this body bites it, came from the stars... energy in another form... all designed by choice, not by chance.

14. I'm still a little pissed that I can't fly or move tings with my mind...yet.

15. When I say I love you, I mean it. That love is expressed differently with different people, but from the depths of my soul, from that place where we are all connected I love everyone. Everyone.

16. I believe in the power of prayer, in sending positive thoughts and intentions, in holding energetic space for you if you need it, in miracles, in the power of universal consciousness, and the weaving together of individual thoughts and intentions to create change.

18. I believe that every single soul has unique and stunning spiritual gifts and if we could clear out all of trauma that holds us back from accessing them, this world would change in the twinkling of an eye.

19. I think that the show The Office should be used a a case study in Internal Family Systems therapy. Also, Creed is the best character. I said what I said.

20. I'm obsessed with Drag Queens. I Saw Frank Marino in Vegas and his closing number broke my heart. I sobbed like a little baby. It was beautiful and gut wrenching... we all just want to be loved and accepted for who we are. I saw Yaz Queen in Sydney and was mesmerized by his sparkly beard. Anyone who can pull off teal glitter in a full man beard and bring that much laughter and joy to an audience is a gift...one that I am forever grateful to have been in the same space with. THAT energy is needed! Misfits really are magic!

21. I still have days that hurt like hell. I have been found, tucked up into the corner of my room, sobbing while trying to give my own body the sensation of a hug to comfort myself. It's something I have done for as long as I can remember. I didn't realize what I was doing until I learned how to reverse engineer my emotional triggers. The body doesn't lie. It holds all of my memories. And I have finally learned how to unpack the broken pieces without flaying myself open...and it's still a painful process.

22. I still struggle with poverty/scarcity mindset from time to time. I have worked like hell alongside my husband to create a life of abundance, and it's NOWHERE NEAR where I started. I have moments of freak out and fear that the other shoe is going to drop and I have to remind that aspect of myself that even if we lost everything, it doesn't matter. Life isn't about things. And if I'm honest, we could live in a van down by the river and I'd be perfectly content...I have some pretty awesome survival skills. I also have moments of anger when people assume that I'm just some privileged white girl. I've never had anything just handed to me. And then I have to remind myself that people only see things from their perspective...just like me. And I've only allowed people to see a glimpse... I'm working on being more transparent.

23. Sometimes I want to smother my husband in his sleep... but instead I just shove him really hard with my foot so he will stop snoring.

24. Speaking of intrusive thoughts, they are normal. I don't like being up high on buildings or bridges, etc. Not because I have a fear of heights, but because I have thoughts of wanting to fling myself (or others) off of them. Its the same reason I don't like driving through steep canyons...I've had thoughts of just driving my car right off the edge. And the truth is, the more people I've met that have lived with trapped trauma... its pretty common. So is not wanting to be here anymore. I don't have thoughts of wanting to kill myself anymore, but I still have days that I am in so much mental and emotional (and even physical) pain that I just want to go home... I made a mistake, earth aint for me, just take me back to the stars where I belong. It's the worst kind of lonely heartache... and what I know now, is that those feelings will pass the moment I stop fighting them and instead have compassion for them. Of course parts of me want to go home, back to that place where I belong... being part human is fucking HARD!! Being able to FEEL the full range of emotions is NOT the same thing as conceptualizing it!! Damn this physical body and all the ways it feels emotions... although on the up side, it aint all bad. And it isn't meant to be fixed...it's fluid. Learning to ride the waves is where contentment lives.

25. I still don't know who I am becoming, but it's kinda fun trying things out... especially now that I feel like I'm allowed to just LIVE!

26. It's duck, duck, goose... not duck duck grey duck... you can keep your grey duck and your tatertot hot dish.

27. I have extra senses. I see and hear and sense and know things that I can't explain. Things about people and places and animals.

28. I don't like other peoples pets in my home... and sometimes other peoples kids. And sometimes other people...I love them, I just don't like them messing with the vibe we have created here. If I invite you into my home it's because I can feel the resonance of you energy in my space. That hasn't always been the case...I don't need to learn that lesson anymore. My home is sacred. This land is sacred, and I no longer allow this peace to be disrupted by anyone.

29. I may or may not have a collection of weird woo woo items in my home to help raise the energy. Everything from happy little crystals to incense to holy water and even consecrated oil. I've done extensive grid work and dedicated the land for specific purposes, including allowing it to be a safe haven for the ancestors I work with. SHE'S A WITCH! BURN HER!

30. I communicate with animals. living and dead. And the earth. And the ancestors... mine, and sometimes yours. It's a new gift, and it scared the shit out of me when it first started. And it still makes me very nervous to reach out to people when I have their people show up... or their departed pets.

31. I have a toolbox of different modalities to help people learn to navigate life's difficulties with more ease and grace. I've been involved in personal and professional development for over 15 years. I was a Registered Respiratory Therapist which laid the ground work for my deep dive into breath work and studying neurology. I've worked as a personal coach for general health and wellness, mindset, couples coaching, emotion/body and energy work, and somatics.

32. I fell in love with yoga in 2019 after taking my first class. Two weeks later I was enrolled in not one but two yoga teacher training classes at the 200hr level. SomaYoga and Power Yoga. SomaYoga is the container that has helped me to heal from my past trauma more than any other modality. I'm currently in training for my level one Yoga Therapy Certification and plan to move forward with level two next.

33. I don't consider myself a healer. I'm a guide to help people learn how to heal themselves. And that is a gift our creator has given to us all. It lives within you. Everything you need really is within you now.

34. I believe that music can heal... and I'm not talking about church music. I'm going to see Tool tomorrow and I know I'll leave feeling more whole, more connected and more present in my life.

35. My spirit animal is a badger... and Lion Galban... he's kind of my spirit animal too.

36. I like pushing people out of their comfort zones. I like watching them expand beyond the limits they place on themselves. I like seeing them realize how much they are capable of... because they are always capable of greatness, they just need a safe supportive place to practice.

37. I may or may not have a collection of astrology books and oracle decks. I think they are an interesting way of getting to know yourself better. I think it's important to get to know yourself... your the only person you can't get away from!

38. I channel artwork from the collective consciousness.

39. I believe in the Akashic Records, the Dreaming, the Book of Life, etc. I have had first hand experiences with these spaces... and I continue to do so. I have dreams and visions and interact with my team in spirit on the other side of the veil everyday.

40. I perrrrfer cats. (see what I did there?)

41. I'm a conscious channel for a collective of indigenous grandmothers... weavers. And one of them is the OG. And they have a lot that they want to share... and actually breathing life into that statement is probably the single scariest step I've ever taken. And I cannot deny it. And I won't turn my back on it. This is part of my purpose here in this life. To bring to light things that have been long forgotten. To remind humanity that we are all connected... All of us. Not some of us... All. I do not speak on behalf of the church, and I'm not speaking out against the church. I know who my creator is. I know who my Savior is and I do not speak for him...but I do speak to him, often. His path is what led me to mine. I have followed his guidance and sought his council every step of the way. I go where he wants me to go...and his waters run deep. And I know he will not let me drown.

42. I'm not crazy... overwhelmed, yes. Tired, yes. Humbled, absolutely. I know what revealing these things may mean. I run the risk of being ostracized by, well, everyone, but to whom much is given, much is expected. If everything I have been through in my life has been by divine design, then I will continue to do the work I have come here to do. If it means I must leave my Father's house to do my Mother's bidding, so be it. I know she has me. She has you too. She never left us. She has been here on the ground with us the whole time... and it's time to bring her out of obscurity. I am a daughter of Heavenly Parents, and our Mother's love is needed now more than ever.

So, there it is. The tip of the iceberg. I mean, I'm still me... this is who I've always been...it's just taken a while to remember that. Now that you've seen this side, it's up to you how you choose to move. All I am willing to be is myself... I will show my realness in my smile, my tears, my anger, my laughter, my strength, my suffering, my gifts. I will share it all…and I will breathe…and I will live. Really, truly, joyfully, intentionally live! And my greatest wish is that you will too! And if you ever feel like you don't belong, just remember... I love you, I see you, I feel you... you are never alone.